


Home

by Crying_ram



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, How Do I Tag, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal homophobia, M/M, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Probably ooc, Unrequited Love, fluff?, im sorry, matsukawa and hanamaki are there for like 5 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 08:21:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: "We don't like them because they're different?" Oikawa questioned, voice high and eyes widening."I thought being different was good!""It's not because they're different," his mother said, biting her lip,"It's because of the way in which they're different."~~~~~in which home is a person





	Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Animefanatic711](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animefanatic711/gifts).



> i literally spent like 5 months or more writing this, and its still garbage. i guess its pretty fitting though, considering i am also garbage and i dont have a beta reader.also I'm maybe gonna change the title at some point because it's trash(like me)
> 
> Also im gonna gift this to my best friend cause she gave a little inspo and also i love her so.
> 
> i have literally like a shit ton of songs that inspired this work and im too lazy to link or something so im gonna just put the titles or w.e
> 
> Home by Gabrielle Aplin  
> adored by him by dodie clark  
> love love love by of monsters and men  
> sick of losing soulmates by dodie clark  
> heart by sleeping at last  
> Cleopatra by the lumineers  
> This town by Niall Horan  
> probs more that i cant remember. 
> 
> I shouldve just made a frikkin playlist tbh
> 
> ok bye

The first time he realized it was when he was 5.

 

It was the age of playing tag with others, some he knew, some he didn't, but doing it all with Iwaizumi by his side.

The age of messily drawn crayon figures and seeing who could jump farthest off the swings. Childish innocence was the majority of what made up Oikawa Tooru, and life seemed simple.

Even then, there were certain rules that most of the world around him seemed to agree upon; girls didn't play in dirt, boys didn't cry, girls ran away from boys squealing if they liked a boy, and boys teased the girls they liked. There was another rule that was never spoken of, but was silently agreed upon anyway; boys couldn't like boys, and girls couldn't like girls.

 

Oikawa first learned this when he heard his father speaking ill of their neighbors.

Oikawa, furrowing his eyebrows, looked to his father's cold expression from across the dinner table. "i don't get it. They're nice to us, aren't they? is there something wrong with them?" He had asked, fueled by curiosity and the need for knowledge.

"There's nothing wrong with them, Tooru," his mother said, putting more soup into her husband's bowl. "They're just.." she stopped, looking to the side, considering. "They're different," she finished, patting her son on the head.

"We don't like them because they're different?" Oikawa questioned, voice high and eyes widening. "i thought being different was good!"

"It's not because they're different," His mother said, biting her lip,"It's because of the way in which they're different."

Oikawa narrowed his eyes, looking to his plate of soup, swirling his spoon around the bowl thoughtfully. "i still don't get it," He stated, frustration tinging his voice. His mother simply gave a pained smile, kissing her son on the head.

"You're little. You'll get it when you're older."

 

The next day, he had told Iwaizumi about it, but got only a blank stare in return.

Oikawa paused in his story, furrowing his eyebrows. "what?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Iwaizumi said back, raising an eyebrow. Oikawa blinked, tilting his head. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, patting the sides of his sand castle smooth. "It's because they're together," Iwaizumi grumbled. Oikawa's mouth fell open, eyes widening in shock.

"Like, together together?"

"Together together," Iwaizumi replied, using his finger to make a moat. Oikawa stared down at his own sand castle, shoulders slightly slumped.

"I guess that's a little weird, but is it really that bad?" Oikawa mumbled, looking up at his friend through his eyelashes. Iwaizumi stopped, glancing over at his friend, shrugging.

"Not to me," He responded, going back to his sand castle. Oikawa locked the words away in his brain; even if his friend's thoughts changed, he would always have the memory of this careful and accepting Iwaizumi.

~

He was sure of it when he turned 10.

 

Oikawa had never found anything too interesting in girls. His other male peers started looking at girls, but Oikawa started looking at them.

Hours were lost to wondering about this. Where were the crushes on girls that all the others spoke of? Where were the butterflies when a pretty girl smiled at him? Somehow, sometime, Oikawa had become 'different', and the fear of what that meant spread through his veins like a wildfire. If he was different, if he couldn't like a girl, what would his family say?The questions followed and nagged at him endlessly, the first thoughts when he woke up, and the last ones before he slept.

He was in the middle of these thoughts for the thousandth time that day when a girl's face obstructed his vision. He blinked, once, twice, before pasting a smile that hopefully lit up his face.

"Hey! whats up?" He said, resting his head against his palm. The girl smiled sweetly, twirling brown waves around a finger.

"I was wondering if you could eat lunch with me and a couple of friends," she stated, eyes soft and luminous,"only if you want to, of course."

"I'm really sorry, but i was gonna eat with Iwaizumi," Oikawa replied, smiling sheepishly. The girl gave a little huff, lips forming a pout,"Don't you spend too much time with Iwaizumi kun?"

"No,of course not!" Oikawa protested, before deflating a little. "Why, is it weird?" The girl rolled her eyes, walking away huffily from Oikawa to her friends.

 

Oikawa sighed, laying his head against his desk. It wasn't his fault that he didn't like the girl, was it?

Suddenly, Iwaizumi was there, taking out his lunch and flicking Oikawa's head as he sat beside him. "Something wrong?" He questioned, expression puzzled as he shoved rice into his mouth.

"I'm questioning all my life choices," Oikawa groaned, causing Iwaizumi to laugh. Oikawa lifted his head at the sound, lips spreading into a genuine smile.

"Aren't we too young for that kind of thing?" Iwaizumi taunted, grinning.

"Not if it fits what i'm doing!" Oikawa exclaimed matter of factly. His friend chuckled, and this would probably be how Oikawa died, heart racing faster than he can think, feeling like glowing and-

 

Oh. Oh.

 

Oikawa's breath caught in his throat, because he didn't like a girl, and he'd probably never like a girl, and Iwaizumi is beautiful and special in a way that Oikawa could never say. How'd this happen? More importantly, how did he not notice it happening? Had it always been there, just beneath his skin?

"Oikawa? Are you okay?" iwaizumi asked, full of concern, placing a gentle hand on Oikawa's back, rubbing soothing circles. Oikawa nodded, gazing at his friend and trying to will away the stampede in his stomach.

"Are you sure? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"I don't have to tell you everything, iwa chan. you're not my mom," Oikawa said, sticking out his tongue. Guilt quickly spread through every inch of him at the genuinely hurt expression on Iwaizumi's face.

"I care about you. I want you to be able to tell me when things are bothering you, to be able to trust me," Iwaizumi said, moving his lunch around in its box, a small wrinkle between his brows that oikawa wanted to smooth out, and Oikawa's chest hurt in the loveliest way possible.

 

He makes Iwaizumi write it down for him,(which he does while grumbling and blushing) a promise that Iwaizumi will always stand by him. He'd write something for Iwaizumi, but he can't find the words, and he's not sure there are any at all.

 

Instead, he settles for hugging Iwaizumi and hoping he understands.

 

He does.

~

It is in his second year of junior high that Oikawa accepts a confession.

 

She is obsessed with botany, cheese fries, and anything soft. Her name meant the end, and Oikawa figured that was as far from Hajime as he could get. Her hair was the color of butterscotch, and her body was thin and willowy, face that of a mouse; Oikawa did not like her, but she was friendly, insisting to be called by her first name, and that seemed to please Oikawa's parents enough.

 

The first time Amaia met Iwaizumi, they seemed to hit it off fine.

"please, call me Amaia," she said, voice polite. Iwaizumi smiled, nodding his head. The two didn't have much in common, but they talked about anything and everything, whilst Oikawa sat nearby, trying to concentrate on his homework. They both asked eachother questions, listening intently to one another. What a strange thing to be jealous about, Oikawa had thought. To be nervous about the idea of your best friend liking your girlfriend, but to be nervous because you didn't want your girlfriend to take them from you.

 

It became another item on the ever growing list of things that kept Oikawa Tooru awake at night, though he never breathed a single word of it to anything or anyone. To even do something as small as writing it down would be to make it frighteningly real, the entire thing. Oikawa knew deep down that he couldn't run from his own emotions, but he would try as hard as he could to at least ignore them.

 

On Oikawa's birthday, both Iwaizumi and Amaia take him to a mountain. The train ride is long, and the hike is tiresome, Oikawa complaining the whole way, but it is worth it to reach the peak of the summit, to stare out over the world and feel the world around him, to experience it with people who care about him. The air is warm, and the sky stretches it's back above them, a rainbow blended together. A gentle breeze blows, and Oikawa sits with the grass, tries to listen to the secrets they tell.

 

"why'd you bring me here?" Oikawa wonders aloud. He looks to Amaia, who sits flush up against his right side, and she smiles.

"We know something's been troubling you lately. Maybe you can't say it directly to us, but you can scream it to the world. we'll cover our ears," she replies, and her smile is so gentle, so pure, Oikawa feels sorry that he can not love her.

Oikawa stands, and the other two put their hands to their ears, giving encouraging grins. Oikawa turns away from them, stares up at the great open sky. It could swallow him whole, maybe he wants it to, and it's no where near the strangest thought that could come to him in this moment. He opens his mouth, but he doesn't scream anything, doesn't even utter a word, because it isn't the right way to say it out loud. He doesn't want the world to know, doesn't want to yell it at the top of his lungs. The words should be delicate, strong, like the person the words will be about.

 

Another wind blows, and the grass murmurs behind Oikawa. He turns his back on the sky, facing the confused faces of Iwaizumi and Amaia. Oikawa gazes at Iwaizumi, lingering on the other's deep eyes, just like the sky; they could swallow him whole.

He lies down, finding a home among the gossiping grass, and tells it his biggest secret in a voice infinitely smaller than he is.

Oikawa stands, stretches, smiles and nods at the other two.

 

The grass keeps his secret.

~

Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa end up going to Aoba Johsai, and Amaia follows. It's close to her home, and she had been planning to go either way. Oikawa is relieved; if he had broken up with her, he would have had to eventually find another girl, and really, Amaia was a good friend.

She is lovely, but she is not Iwaizumi, and she could never be anything close to him.

Oikawa finds himself running, but the steady presence that is Iwaizumi always pulls him right back. While his peers only talked about sexual fantasies, about not wanting to be tied down, Oikawa stayed quiet; the craziest fantasy he had was being able to hold his best friend's hand in a romantic way.

He accepts that 'like' has stopped being 'like' when Iwaizumi, Amaia, and Oikawa are sitting in Amaia's backyard. 

Oikawa and Amaia are still together, and while they do show the occasional pda, they don't do it often enough to make Iwaizumi seem like a third wheel. They all sit in a circle, Amaia's phone between them, playing a song Oikawa vaguely recognizes. 

The air is chilly, but the sun hangs high, warming them. Oikawa and Amaia's hands are lightly clasped, and Amaia is talking over the music, telling a detailed story she had read about, free hand gesturing with her words. There is the soft glow of passion in her eyes, and Oikawa thinks she's most beautiful like this. He watches her face, is used to the affection filling his chest; he does not love her, not in the way he had once hoped,but he feels a swell of joy, the kind of love you'd have for a very close friend. 

She must notice it, because she sends a timid smile his way, and dives right back into the story. Oikawa looks away from her to the grass, feeling it under the fingers of his free hand. He pulls at it, but doesn't rip it out, careful not to. He looks over to Iwaizumi, sturdy, gorgeous Iwaizumi, and is confused by the look on his face. Iwaizumi stares perplexed at they're joined hands, and Oikawa feels his heart stop. 

 

Is he jealous? Does he want to be the one to hold Amaia's hand? 

Oikawa internally admits that he is very, very selfish for wanting to keep Iwaizumi away from girls, but it's hard for him to care. How messed up is that? Of course he wants Iwaizumi to be happy, but he also wants just a little more time to brace himself for it. 

 

Iwaizumi Hajime is the best person Oikawa has ever known.

Iwaizumi Hajime is loyal and cares for all around him.

Iwaizumi Hajime is a rock, a pillar.

 

All facts to Oikawa, all true as he is alive. There is more, though, the fact that hurts Oikawa the most, the fact that validates his defeat before he ever had a chance to properly fight;

Iwaizumi Hajime could never love him.

It is obvious in the way he is looking at Amaia, as if she herself is a masterpiece, and for a moment, Oikawa hates her. It is for only a moment, because how could he hate her, this girl who has stuck with him and loved him without asking for anything in return? He could never. His anger is misdirected, he knows, and how cowardly it is to turn on someone who has only done right by you.

Oikawa does not hate her, but he does hate what Iwaizumi most likely feels for her. He wants to be looked at in that way, for Iwaizumi to return his feelings.

 

Oikawa can not run from it. Oikawa is in love with Iwaizumi. He looked at his childhood friend, and saw everything that mattered to him,everything that was good in the world. He was every color, every constellation Oikawa spent time memorizing, Iwaizumi had been, has been everything, everything. He was a part of him, had been for as long as he knew. They had come into the world one after the other, as if they were meant to be a package, as if one could not exist without the other.

He is still Oikawa, still Iwaizumi's best friend, and he wouldn't change that for the world.

Oikawa decides in this moment that he is okay with never having Iwaizumi in a romantic way. It rips him to shreds, but Oikawa would rather be in pieces than not have Iwaizumi in any way. Maybe he'll tell him one day, and maybe Iwaizumi will hate him for a little bit, but only for a little bit. Oikawa's sure that Iwaizumi wouldn't end their friendship over something like that, and if he did, oh well. Oikawa's feelings for him wouldn't change.

 

Oikawa drifts back to reality, finding that Amaia is no longer speaking. She is silent, playing with his fingers, a small,content smile on her face. Oikawa feels bad for her, if he's honest. She has her eyes on him, and he has his eyes on Iwaizumi. What a painful thing to love someone in love with someone else. Though Oikawa supposed it was fair, after all Iwaizumi had his eyes on her. Oikawa wondered if she knew, if she realized how lucky she was, wondered what it felt like to be adored by him.

Oikawa's eyes drift towards Iwaizumi, as they always seem to do, and Iwaizumi looks back at him. He smiles, broad and alluring, and Oikawa's stomach turns to knots, hopes it doesn't show when he smiles back. Amaia looks between them, announcing that she's going inside to the bathroom, before she stands and disappears through the back door into her home.

 

Oikawa lays back, sighing, staring up at the clouds that move slowly across the sky.

"Thinking about something?"Iwaizumi asks, laying beside him, close enough that their hands brush.

"When am i not thinking?" Oikawa laughs, but Iwaizumi doesn't join in. "You worry me," He says, and oikawa knows, he does, and he doesn't mean to, and maybe he should say that.

"Hey, Iwa-chan, if i was different in a way you didn't know about, would we still be friends?" He asks instead, and Iwaizumi raises himself onto an elbow, looking down on Oikawa as if he's grown a second head.

"Of course. Are you stupid?" Iwaizumi asks, lightly hitting his arm, and Oikawa laughs, soft and warm, eyes crinkling at the edges.

"You're a benediction to me, you know," Oikawa says," I can't imagine life without you."

"What was up with that question? Do you have something to say?" Iwaizumi questions, and Oikawa hums, shaking his head.

"Maybe i'll tell you about it another time, iwa-chan," He mutters, and iwaizumi lies back down, silence stretching between them.

Iwaizumi puts his hand on Oikawa's, giving it a gentle squeeze, and Oikawa turns his head, confused and blushing.

"I'm always here to talk, you know. You're never alone," He reassures, grinning at Oikawa, and Oikawa smiles.

oikawa knows he can trust him. This boy, who knows him better than anyone ever could, better than oikawa would want anyone to know him.

He can't have iwaizumi, and that hurts, but right now, he has him, in this moment where their is immeasurable affection, one that could only come from knowing someone for years, and it is entirely enough. 

 

Maybe he'll never have him in the way he wants, oikawa thinks. Maybe they'll always be just friends. They're still close, still part of each others lives, and really, that's all Oikawa could ask for.

~

They are on break when Amaia's birthday arrives. She is childishly happy, still one to get excited when she gets a year older, and oikawa hopes that part of her always stays the same. 

They all wake up before the sun, agreeing to spend the night before in a tent in Oikawa's backyard, and they grab whatever money they have and leave. 

They walk no where in particular, talking amongst themselves, their conversation a symphony. When they do stop, it is at a cafe to order take away waffles and some sodas. Iwaizumi points out a lonely little bench in the middle of a sprawling park, open grass around them, the rising sun painting the sky soft pinks and blues.  
They sit, and Oikawa vaguely listens to Amaia talk about plants and flowers, how she encountered someone once who thought that a plant didnt need watering, and that they were angry when it died. 

Hajime laughed at that."How could they be that dumb?" He managed in between breaths, and Oikawa chuckled, though his chest felt like it was constricting. Hajime was beautiful, the reason why Oikawa decided to get up some mornings,and Oikawa was aware of how dangerous it was. How dangerous it was to be living for someone else, to love someone so wholly when you cant bring yourself to even like the way you are sometimes. Oikawa tread on thin ice while wearing rock shoes, one misstep and his world would crack. Hajime was otherwordly, but he was not Oikawa's; his heart belonged to the girl with golden hair and soft,pistachio colored eyes, the prettiest little thing with the prettiest little smile, possibly a being carved from ivory. 

 

Maybe in Iwaizumi's eyes, she was the reason for every good thing in the world, and Oikawa couldn't blame him, not when her smile rivaled a fire in it's brightness. They finished their food then, all of them standing and throwing their garbage in a nearby trashcan. "Look, Oikawa, it's you," Iwaizumi laughed,pointing to said trash can.  
"Fuck you, iwa chan." At those words, Iwaizumi grinned, winking at Oikawa, who flushed a light pink, hitting a cackling Iwaizumi on the arm. Amaia tore her eyes away from them, a small smile on her face, though her eyes held a different light. They walked around for a while more, going wherever there interest took them, from a store filled with anime merchandise, to a small flower shop, where amaia happily talked to the owner for a good hour. This hour was filled with oikawa and iwaizumi exploring the shop on their own, pointing out particularly nice flowers. 

Oikawa paused for a moment, mouth fallen slightly open,staring at whatever it is that has taken his interest. Iwaizumi curiously follows his eyes to an array of small cacti, all with little flowers blooming from them.  
"Why are you so interested in cacti all of a sudden?" Iwaizumi wonders aloud, raising an eyebrow in questioning. Oikawa simply kept staring for a moment longer, before a huge grin takes over his face as he picks up one of the little cacti.

"It looks like you," he whispers, eyes sparkling as he cradles the cactus in his palms. Iwaizumi's lips turn down in a frown, though a blush covers his cheeks.  
"Do you like it?"  
"Yeah," oikawa responds, nodding slowly. He stares at the plant, seemingly transfixed, before looking up at iwaizumi. They were both reliable, both seemingly tough, both spiky. Oikawa couldn't help but love the cactus just as much as he did his friend. 

Iwaizumi looked away from Oikawa's face, rolling his eyes, though his cheeks darken. "I'll get it for you then," he grumbles, and Oikawa's smile widens, entire face elated.

"Really?" He asks, looking down to the plant in his hands, and back to his friend. Iwaizumi nods, and Oikawa cant help but look at the cactus again as he is lead by Iwaizumi to the front of the shop. 

"Aww. Did you make friends with that cactus, Tooru?"  
Upon hearing his name, Oikawa looks up, nodding enthusiastically at Amaia, and she gives him a fond smile as she giggles.  
"You know, whenever I get a new plant, I name it. Are you gonna name yours?"  
"Iwa chan," Oikawa responds, no hesitation what-so-ever. Iwaizumi looks at him then, shock and disbelief on his face, and Oikawa can only stare back at him mortified. He considers that maybe it would have been better to at least pretend to consider it. 

Amaia breaks out into laughter, head thrown back. It is loud and bold, and god, is she beautiful. Not even in just her looks, Oikawa realizes, but in her soul. Not for the first time,he suddenly wishes he was a little more like her. 

The cactus is paid for, and they all start the walk back to Oikawa's house. It is relatively quiet, but they aren't uncomfortable. Amaia grabs the hand Oikawa isnt using to hold his cactus, gently swinging their linked hands between them and humming softly to herself.  
The sun is just barely beginning its descent when they arrive. They go straight to Oikawa's room, closing the door behind them, and the first thing Oikawa does is set down his cactus on the corner of his desk that gets the most sun. He goes downstairs, getting a glass of water from the kitchen, before going back upstairs and pouring the smallest amount into the cactus' pot.  
He then flops down on his bed, almost landing on Iwaizumi, laughing at the grunt his friend lets out. "Oi, be careful dumbass," he curses, but Oikawa only ignores him, snuggling up to his friend as he scrolls through his phone.  
"Why are you so close?"Iwaizumi asks, though his tone isnt annoyed. If anything, he sounds curious. 

Oikawa shrugs, smiling to himself. "Its nice to be close to friends sometimes," he answers, because he means it. If he had the option, he'd spend the rest of his days by Iwaizumi's side because that was when he felt best; Iwaizumi lifted him, made him feel like a better person. There was no one Oikawa loved as much as he did Hajime. 

Iwaizumi didnt further interrogate him, simply bringing a hand to card through Oikawa's hair mindlessly, which Oikawa took as a sign that he had accepted his answer. The room's only noise was that of Amaia spinning in her chair, hair floating around her in a blonde halo as she spun, eyes glued to her phone.She suddenly stopped, gasping gently, eyebrows raising as she smiled. 

"Hey guys, this is sudden,"she began, looking up at Iwaizumi and Oikawa,"but my friend says that they threw a party for me at her house and that i can bring you guys!" 

"How many people?" Oikawa asked, unsure if he had to mentally prepare. Though it didnt appear to others, Oikawa was indeed nervous around people, frightened of first opinions of him.

"Only close friends," she started, looking away to consider her next words,"About a group of ten people, maybe? Plus us, of course."

"If you want to go, then we should," Iwaizumi spoke, and Oikawa nodded in agreement. People could be overwhelming, but the happiness of his friend on her birthday came first. Amaia beamed then, squealing and making a variety of other happy noises.  
"Alright, lets go!" She exclaimed, hopping out of the chair, tapping her foot impatiently.  
"Right now? We don't have to get ready?" Oikawa asked, bewildered. Amaia scoffed, rolling her eyes, before gesturing that both Iwaizumi and Oikawa get up.  
"Why would we have to get ready? Its not some big party or anything, its a chill get together. Honestly, Tooru, I love you, but you're not always the brightest," she tsked, all the while pushing both boys gently down the stairs. Oikawa made a noise of protest, opening his mouth, but iwaizumi shook his head at him, and Oikawa promptly closed it. They hurriedly slip on their shoes,pausing as Oikawa messages his parents to explain, and then they're out the door.

There is a spring in Amaia's step the entire time, an excited grin on her face as she swings her's and Oikawa's clasped hands. Oikawa talks to Iwaizumi throughout the walk, Iwaizumi reminding him that plants require care, and Oikawa arguing that he can handle it. When they do get to the house, it is exactly as Amaia said it would be. Faint music can be heard coming from the inside, a song Oikawa could recognize as Amaia's favorite, but it wasn't incredibly loud, and the house wasn't teeming with people. 

Amaia knocked loudly to the beat of the song, and the door quickly swung open, revealing a girl with dyed purple hair and a wide smile that was almost creepy. She let out an excited shriek, wrapping Amaia in her arms. 

"Mai! Happy birthday! Damn, youre getting old!" The girl laughed, and Amaia pouted, feigning hurt. 

"Im only a month older than you."

"You act like you're five."

"Mean!" Amaia whined, hitting her friend on the arm. The girl giggled, before her eyes landed on Iwaizumi and Oikawa, as if just noticing them for the first time. 

"Ah! You must be Mai's other friends!" She exclaimed, looking between the two, before her eyes settled on Oikawa, a smirk finding her lips. "You must be her boyfriend. She's right about you, Oikawa, you're very pretty. How do you get your hair and skin to be so perfect?" She asked, tilting her head and furrowing her brows. 

Oikawa only blushed, laughing nervously and subconsciously stepping closer to Iwaizumi as the purple haired girl leaned her face closer to his. 

Iwaizumi put a protective arm around Oikawa's shoulders, glaring only slightly at the girl. She took a step back, but she didnt question it.

"Oikawa looks pretty, but really he's an annoying dumbass," Iwaizumi said blandly, and Oikawa let out an offended squawk, ignoring the warmth radiating from his friend. 

"You're even dumber than i am if you deal with me," Oikawa mumbled, glaring at his friend. The purple haired girl laughed, looking at Amaia.

"These guys are great! Why didn't you introduce me sooner?"

"I mean, i feel like you and Oikawa might conspire against me or something. I didnt want you embarrassing me," Amaia said, throwing in an overly obnoxious hairflip. The other girl scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"I stick by your side since childhood, and you repay me with insults? Some friend you are," she growled, elbowing Amaia, who let out a startled groan. The girl turned back to Oikawa and Iwaizumi, smiling brightly.

"I havent actually introduced myself, have i? Sorry about that! My name's Sato Rieko, but really, you can just call me Rie! We've been standing out here for a while, so why dont we go inside?" Rie asked, though it seemed to be more of a statement as she gestured for all 3 to follow as she walked into the house. 

Amaia went to her friends, who all sat in a circle formation, while Oikawa awkardly flopped down on a couch in the far corner. Iwaizumi settled down next to him, side pressed against oikawa. 

"Why don't you go over there with your girlfriend?" Iwaizumi asked, jutting his chin in Amaia's direction. Oikawa shrugged, feigning disinterest, though he didnt miss Iwaizumi's bitter tone.

"She spends a lot more time with me than she does with them. I want her to have moments with just them," Oikawa explained, though he didn't mention how he wanted to simply be alone with Iwaizumi as well. Any time where it was just them, just Oikawa and Iwaizumi, was a frame of time that Oikawa treasured. 

"Wow. That's actually a decent thing of you to do," Iwaizumi chuckled. Oikawa puffed out his cheeks and crossed his arms.

"We're best friends since childhood and all you ever do is insult me!" He exclaimed, exasperated.

Iwaizumi laughed, shaking his head. "Youre the one who insists on staying friends."

"What does that even mean?"

"Im just saying, youre the one who comes to me,"Iwaizumi stated. He looked as if he were about to say something else, but thought better of it. Tense silence fell over them, and Oikawa mulled over the words in his head. Was he genuinely annoying? He always thought it was a joke when Iwaizumi said he was, but maybe Oikawa had been wrong. 

"Do you.. Do you even want to stay friends?" Oikawa asked, voice much smaller than he hoped it would be. It trembled a little, the fear clear, and although Iwaizumi could read him easily, he still prayed he wouldn't notice. 

Iwaizumi's eyes seemed to widen at the question, looking over at oikawa in panic. "God, Oikawa, of course i do! That's not what i meant at all!" He choked out, moving closer to Oikawa and pulling him into a reassuring hug. 

"What did you mean then?" Oikawa asked timidly, wrapping his arms hesitantly around his friend. 

Iwaizumi pulled away slightly from the hug, hands resting on Oikawa's waist, eyes wandering and face thoughtful.  
"I mean that yeah, you always do come to me. I appreciate it, honestly, i need you. Im just not sure if i deserve it," Iwaizumi said, though he couldnt look Oikawa in the eye. 

"Iwa chan," Oikawa started, effectively grabbing Iwaizumi's attention,"thats the dumbest thing you've ever said. You've always taken care of me, cared about me even when I was a terrible person. You stay by my side even if you shouldn't, if anything, I don't deserve you."

Iwaizumi frowned at his last words, but he simply sighed and smiled gently, shaking his head.  
"What a pretty mess you are," Iwaizumi whispered, bringing a hand up to cup Oikawa's cheek, thumb stroking his cheekbone. 

Oikawa leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering shut as he reveled in the moment, a smile finding its way to his face. How lucky he was to have Iwaizumi in his life, this strong person who stood with him through thick and thin. 

The movement along his cheekbone stopped, Oikawa's eyes opening, pouting in confusion. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Iwaizumi's expression, though; his face soft, a little sad, and he looks at oikawa as if he had painted the sky blue, as if he were the reason the stars and the sun existed, the reason why the earth turns. It is there, and then it is gone, and oikawa wonders if maybe he imagined it. 

Iwaizumi removes his hand, scoots away from Oikawa just a little bit, and oikawa would be lying if he said it didn't hurt. Iwaizumi clears his throat, and folds his hands in his lap nervously. 

"You should maybe go check on Amaia," he says, and Oikawa feels his heart ache as he nods and stands up, leaving Iwaizumi alone on the couch. 

He sits down next to Amaia in the circle, and she smiles at his arrival to the group, but he does not return it, and she doesn't seem to notice. 

He sits next to a girl who is in love with him, but the one he loves sits across the room, watching as she takes his hand in her own small one. Her friends laugh and recall memories, but Oikawa does not listen, nor does he care. 

 

His mind wanders endlessly back to tan skin and adoring green eyes, and oikawa has never felt more alone. 

~

Oikawa tooru has many regrets, many things he wishes he could do over. This one, however, probably takes the top of the list. 

Practicing his jump serve after school had become a normal thing for Oikawa. Staying until 8 was a regular occurence, much to both Iwaizumi and Amaia's dismay. The constant motion distracted him, cleansed him, until the thoughts that plagued him faded into the darkest corners of his brain, and the only thing he was aware of was the ball, the way it felt in his hands. 

Amaia had been distant recently. She had been a little different ever since her birthday, and Oikawa did worry. After all, she was his friend, and he wanted to know what bothered her. Each time he asked, however, she shrugged it off, giving an almost convincing laugh as she said she was fine. Oikawa still saw through it, had always been good at seeing inside of people, and he noticed her extended stares into seemingly nothing, how her hand mostly stayed limp when it was in his. He feared the worst, feared the break up that he could see coming. What would he say to his parents? When would be the proper time to get another girlfriend? 

Most importantly, could he and Amaia still be friends? He loved her in the way you loved family, because thats what she had become to him. She listened to him, was gentle and kind, and she deserved everything good she had and more. She was a good person, and Oikawa was aware that she didn't deserve what he was doing to her, but he couldn't lose her and he could never truly be himself, and the guilt ate at him. It was cruel, selfish, and Oikawa wished he could simply disapper. Of course, he couldn't, so he sunk his time into all things volleyball. 

Volleyball could not distract him from all things, however. It could not distract him from Iwaizumi, the way he had looked at him that night weeks ago. He refused to believe that it could mean anything, that he had any chances with him, because it would not be fair if he did. 

Even if he did have a chance, he often wondered what he would do. It was a matter of what mattered more to him; his family's opinion of him, or Iwaizumi. 

He shook it away, throwing the ball up with his first step, taking another, and jumping to meet it. His palm met with the ball, pushing it forward. The ball flew to the other side of the net, meeting dead on with the waterbottle on the floor, the force of the hit sending the ball back into the air, bouncing up and down until it finally came to a stop on the other side of the gym. 

Oikawa simply made to get another ball from the cart, disregarding the balls already littering the floor. His muscles ached from doing this for hours, from the same physical exertion, but he paid it no mind. 

He bounced the ball down, relishing in the resounding noise it made, before throwing it up again. He jumped, moving to hit the ball, but something pulled. His knee throbbed, suddenly, painfully, and the ball fell in front of him as he fell to the floor. The pressure on his leg made him cry out, the feeling shooting through his entire leg, tears pricking his eyes. 

He tried to move his knee, to bend it, but it made a sick popping noise, and hurt enough to rip a sob from Oikawa's throat. Tears fell freely from his eyes, and his stomach churned at the thought of looking down at his knee, but he knew he had to. He shut his eyes tightly, turning his head to where he would see the damage. He opened his eyes, his breathing quickening. The flesh looked bruised, and it was already swelling. His chest tightened, and Oikawa struggled to breathe. 

His brain vaguely registered that he needed help, his eyes moving to rest on his bookbag that was a mere few feet away, though the breadth between him and the bag seemed miles apart. 

He forced himself to take deep breaths, flipping as gently as he could onto his stomach. Oikawa used his arms to pull himself to the bookbag, biting his tongue to stop screams from pouring out of his mouth. He gave a small sigh in relief when he reached the bag, pulling his phone from it. He clicked on the first contact that came to mind, the ring coming on as his thoughts started growing fuzzy, the pain overwhelming. 

"Hello?" The voice on the other line finally answered.

"Iwa chan! Iwa chan!"Oikawa cried out, curling into a ball, sobbing when the movement caused further pain. 

"Oikawa? Whats wrong? What happened?Where are you?" Iwaizumi asked, concern and panic seeping into his voice. 

"The school gym- i jumped to hit the ball,"oikawa paused, his breaths and body shaking uncontrollably," It's-it's my knee-shit." 

"I'm on my way, stay calm," Iwaizumi stated, tone level and soothing, though Oikawa could hear him panting, footsteps slapping against concrete. Oikawa hung up then, hugging himself and whimpering loudly. 

Time had barely passed when Iwaizumi arrived, the gym doors sliding open with a bang.  
He rushed to Oikawa's side, scooping him up into his lap, being careful with his knee. 

He called for an ambulance on his phone, before turning to the boy in his lap, whispering into his ear that everything would be fine. Oikawa clung to Iwaizumi, gripping his shirt in his hands, trembling in his arms. 

"It hurts," Oikawa whimpered, and Iwaizumi's hold on his upper body tightened, running his fingers through Oikawa's hair. 

"I know, it's okay, I'm here," he murmured, and Oikawa was glad for it. If he was going to be injured, at least he had Iwaizumi to comfort him. 

At least Iwaizumi was here. 

~

It had been a week since Oikawa's knee injury. While surgery hadnt been needed, physical therapy and bandaging was, and while dull, the pain was still there.

Iwaizumi was supportive, bringing Oikawa all his homework on the days he had been absent, giving him comforting words whenever Oikawa's fears began to sneak up on him.

"Thanks for being here with me, iwa chan," Oikawa had said one day absentmindedly. Iwaizumi glanced up from his homework, face somewhat confused. 

"Its just homework. You dont have to thank me," Iwaizumi said matter of factly, going back to his work, and oikawa rolled his eyes. 

"I meant thanks for helping me through my injury," Oikawa clarified, blushing. Iwaizumi looked at him then, smiling softly, and Oikawa felt his breath leave him. Iwaizumi's eyes sparkled, and Oikawa thought of when they were younger, when they built sandcastles and went on their own adventures, and really, not much had changed. 

Iwaizumi was both different and the same,and Oikawa was glad. He returned the smile gently, genuinely, putting all the emotions he had for his friend, the person he loves, in this one smile. Iwaizumi looked away then, smile fading. A light blush dusted his cheeks, but his eyebrows furrowed, a deep wrinkle in the middle of them, and the corners of his mouth turned down just slightly. Oikawa's smile vanished in an instant, afraid that he might have upset Iwaizumi. Maybe his smile had made his feelings clear, and maybe it made iwaizumi uncomfortable to know about it. After all, some things are best kept to yourself. 

"Have you seen Amaia at all?" Iwaizumi suddenly asked, breaking Oikawa out of his head. He looked up, a little dazed, but shook his head no. Iwaizumi bit his lip in frustration, eyes narrowing at Oikawa. 

"I think you should invite her over," Iwaizumi said, standing and beginning to pack his belongings. 

"Where are you going?" Oikawa questioned, and iwaizumi turned just enough to look at him, shrugging.

"Home. You need to talk to her as soon as you can, maybe even right now. She's concerned about you," Iwaizumi huffed, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why?'" Iwaizumi scoffed, lip curling up. "She's your girlfriend, idiot."

He began to take leave then, but paused with his hand resting on the doorknob. "She loves you," Iwaizumi added, though it seemed like his voice quivered just a little. Oikawa assumed it was his imagination, though, and the next second, Iwaizumi was gone.

Oikawa groaned, flopping onto his back. He stared at the ceiling for a moment or two, before pulling out his phone and messaging his girlfriend if she could come over. A simple 'ok' was all the response he got, and while he was worried, he couldn't find himself to care enough at the moment. 

He finished up his homework, only stopping when there was a knock at his door. He called out for the knocker to come in, nerves on edges as Amaia entered 

"Hey," Oikawa said, smiling. 

"Hi," she replied, but her face didn't mirror his. Underneath her eyes was the lightest shade of purple, barely noticeable, a sign of the beginning of sleep deprivation. Her skin was slightly paler than normal, and Oikawa knew from experience that she hadnt slept in the last 24 hours. 

"Are you okay?" Oikawa blurted, frowning slightly. Amaia sat down on his bed, keeping a little distance between them, and shook her head. 

"Whats wrong?" Oikawa asked, softer this time, scooting a little closer to her, putting his hand on her upper back. She took a deep breath, looking up to the ceiling, blinking away the tears beginning to come up.

"Us. Us is wrong," she answered, though it was small and broken in places, and fear ran through Oikawa's veins, likely reflected in his face.

"What?" Oikawa whispered, hand falling away from her. Water spilled from her eyes, her face going red as she sniffled. 

"I know you don't love me, Tooru,"she began, wiping at her eyes with her hands,"i know your heart is with someone else." 

Oikawa felt his throat constrict, eyes flitting to Amaia's face. She was looking straight at him, gaze unwavering. "Youre in love with Iwaizumi," she said, folding her hands in her lap,"though you don't need me to tell you, do you?" 

"Amaia, I'm-"Oikawa began, but she quickly cut him off.

"Do you even like girls?" She asked, frowning and sniffling again. Oikawa opened his mouth, but decided to close it, shaking his head. Amaia looked away finally, though it didnt provide Oikawa with relief.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" She asked, and Oikawa tilted his head to the side, mouth falling open, though nothing came out. She side eyed him, raising an eyebrow.

"How did you know?" Was the only thing that came to him, and Amaia gave a small smile at that, contrasting the tear tracks on her face. 

"It was a lot of things. I thought you always looked most honest when he was around. You looked so happy when he was next to you, you looked at him like he was the greatest thing to ever happen to you, like he'd be the worst thing to lose, and-" she stopped then, blinking, eyebrows furrowing, looking for the right words to say.  
"When you got hurt, he was the first person you called,"she finished,looking up at Oikawa through her lashes. Oikawa reached over, wiping away her tears gently, then returning his hand to his lap.

"My parents would disown me. You're the first person to ever know," he looked at her, catching her eye,"I'm sorry for what i did to you."

Amaia nodded, smiling,"i know you are. Its okay, really. I want to stay friends,"she stopped, licking her lips nervously,"i think you should tell Iwaizumi how you feel about him." 

Oikawa's face fell at this, wildly shaking his head. "No. Can't do that,"he protested, and Amaia rolled her eyes.

"Tooru, trust me, he feels the same," she sighed out. 

"How do you know?"

"My birthday party," Amaia stated, eyes like stone. She reached her hand over, placing it gently on oikawa's cheek. Oikawa's lips set into a firm line,looking down guiltily. 

Amaia nodded, one corner of her mouth turning up, taking back her hand. "You hurt me, but i love you. I want you to be happy."

"This is the end of us then, huh?" Oikawa spoke, laughing, though there was no humor to it.

"Not as friends,"Amaia replied, and Oikawa gave a wide smile. "If anyone asks though, i broke up with you, and it was because you were volleyball obsessed,"she said, face serious. 

Oikawa nodded, putting an x over his heart, much to Amaia's amusement.  
"Im glad to have you in my life,"Oikawa sighed, the sadness that had settled in the room earlier gone. Amaia laughed, face glowing.

"I know."

"You should go home. Get some sleep,"Oikawa said, ruffling her hair. She laughed sheepishly, standing from the bed.

"You're right,i know. Consider what i told you about telling him, okay?" She said, giving an encouraging smile. Oikawa sighed, but nodded nevertheless. 

"Good," she said, waving goodbye, exiting the room. She paused at the last second, turning to him,"oh, and by the way," she smiled gently. "I forgive you."

Oikawa did consider what she told him.In fact, most of the night was spent considering it. 

Really, Oikawa just didnt know.

~

Being a third year came with many realizations, one of them being that soon, you'd move on to something else. It is with this in mind that Oikawa asked Iwaizumi to hang out with him.

"When?" Iwaizumi asked, though he didn't glance up from his school work.  
"Right now."

"Right now? Aren't we already hanging out?"Iwaizumi asked, gesturing to the space around Oikawa's room. 

Oikawa groaned, draping himself over Iwaizumi's lap. "But we're studying! That's not having fun together!" He whined, though Iwaizumi only snorted, hand messing with his hair affectionately.

"Fine. We'll go as soon as i finish this problem," Iwaizumi muttered, and Oikawa rolled his eyes, curling his arms around his friends torso, sighing contently. Iwaizumi placed a hand on Oikawa's shoulders, fingertips tracing words and symbols. 

The evening sun seeped in through the window, drenching the room in honey. It dripped over oikawa's skin, warming him even further than Iwaizumi did. Eyes closed, he nuzzled into his friend's side, humming softly. 

"Hey,I'm done. Still wanna go somewhere?"Iwaizumi uttered, looking down at Oikawa. Oikawa opened his eyes, looked up at Iwaizumi, giving a soft hum of affirmation. 

In the soft light, his iris' are pools of liquid gold, one's that iwaizumi falls into. He stares intently, transfixed, and Oikawa watches as Iwaizumi's pupils dilate. Oikawa licks his lips, and Iwaizumi's eyes dart down to follow the movement, and this is when Oikawa rises, pulls himself out of Iwaizumi's lap, and says that, yes, he still wants to go somewhere.

Iwaizumi, though dazed at first, nods, and they go about gathering things they need, pretending the shared moment hadnt happened. They agree to let their legs guide them, both and none taking the lead, as they talk about everything and nothing. Oikawa forgets everything that has ever been wrong, every thought that plagues his mind, and simply focuses on his friend; the way he looks in this lighting, with that stupid smile he gets on his face when he tells a bad joke, the way even his breathing seems gentle, slow and powerful. Oikawa silently wishes that they never change, that they always stay like this, with the easiness of two life long friends hung between them like a thread. The feeling is overwhelming, filling him to the brim with gratitude, gratitude for having this moment, this now, and before he can stop himself, he is reaching for Iwaizumi's hand, taking it in his own, lacing their fingers together. Iwaizumi does not falter in his sentence, simply smiles wider and gives a small squeeze, and Oikawa's heart is running,running,running.

It thuds hard, a little painfully, even, inside of his chest, and Oikawa can't look at his face when it's like this, all soft and warm and affectionate, so he looks away, keeps his legs moving.

If Iwaizumi cares, he doesnt say so, just lets them drift to silence as they walk. Soon, they reach a park that they remember barely, and then completely.

They look to each other, then run, hands linked, to the biggest tree that there is. It's sprawling branches hang overhead, and once upon a time, they would climb the tree together. They could never do it alone, one had to push up the other and then be pulled up.

Now, they can climb the tree on their own with no trouble, but for old times sake, Iwaizumi cups his hands and kneels down. Oikawa laughs at this, at the goofy smile on his face, and puts his foot in his hands, reaching for the closest branch as he is pushed up. He then reaches out his arms, iwaizumi taking hold of them, and pulls his friend up with him.

They sit on the lowest branch, still faraway from the ground, still just as exciting as when they were kids.  
"Do you remember how we'd hide up here for hours until one of our moms came to get us?" Oikawa asked, face wistful. 

"Yeah. I also remember one time you somehow got up there by yourself and got too nervous to come down by yourself. I had to come get you, and you kicked me in the face," iwaizumi chortled, and oikawa felt his face heat up, throwing his arms up in exasperation. 

"I said i was sorry! I even cried and begged for forgiveness!" 

"Yeah, i know. And to this day, you're still an ugly crier."

"Fuck you, iwa chan!" Oikawa exclaimed, lightly shoving his friend. Iwaizumi only laughed, before stopping suddenly.

"Do you think that carving we made is still there?" Iwaizumi questioned. They both looked to each other, before scrambling to go up to the next branch where said carving was located.

Iwaizumi reached it first, seeing as he had a lot of practice climbing things, and hoisted Oikawa up after him.  
They looked to trunk, surprised to see the carving had withstood the elements and time. The letters were sharp and scratchy, a messily done heart surrounding them.

O.T + I.H

Oikawa ran a hand over them, smiling blissfully. If he remembered correctly, he was the one to carve the heart when iwaizumi wasn't looking. His reaction at the time had been to hit Oikawa, but now, it was different. He sat silently, eyes unfocused, as if he were contemplating something deeply.

"H-How old were we when we carved that?" Iwaizumi asked, though his tone was hesitant.  
"Around, i don't know, i want to say 10?" Oikawa admitted, though his statement sounded like that of a question, and he shrugged. 

Iwaizumi's eyes were distant, but he smiled, a smile so delicate, so frail, yet tender, full of affection. He exhaled gently, looking to oikawa, the creases usually in his face gone, instead soft and luminous. 

"God, i adore you," he breathed, shaking his head gently to himself. Suddenly all Oikawa could hear was the beat of his own heart, the words repeating themselves in his head.

He tried to calm himself down, to tell himself that it could have been possible that Iwaizumi had meant it in a completely platonic way, but his heart refused to have any part of it, especially now that they were right here, the words said hanging right between them, iwaizumi's eyes focused only on Oikawa. 

"You-" Oikawa started, but nothing felt right. You complete me, you're my missing piece? None of it was the whole truth, because it was much more than just that, much more than any of it. Iwaizumi was so incredibly special, and Oikawa realized it would take an entire speech to explain even half of Iwaizumi's importance.

"Hey,i-i get if you dont feel the same, you know?"Iwaizumi spoke, breaking the silence Oikawa had been oblivious to, taking him from his thoughts with a start.Oikawa's eyes widened, taking in the sadness in his eyes, the quiver in his smile.

"No, that's not-" he whispered, but Iwaizumi cut him off with a wave of his hand.  
"Its fine, really, just.." Iwaizumi trailed off, false smile falling momentarily, lips quirking down and eyebrows furrowing, before the smile was back in place.  
"Forget i said anything, okay?" Iwaizumi finished, inhaling deeply, and before Oikawa could even attempt to justify himself, he was climbing down, reaching the ground and speed walking in the direction they came from.  
Oikawa was the only one who sat in the tree now, and he again ran his fingers over the carving in the tree. How would this effect them? How could Oikawa tell the truth?  
He wondered if confessing was even possible now, if it would make any difference, if Iwaizumi would believe him. Or maybe this was a sign, he thought, that he should lock away his love until it was gone.

He had done that before, though. He had been letting it fester for years, and nothing had changed at all, if anything, his feelings had only strengthened. Was it possible to ignore it any longer? Was he actually willing to build a life with a woman, someone he could never love in any way? 

Deep down, Oikawa knew he would rather die, but that was the thing; there was something about being in love that felt like dying. He woke up, would take in a deep breath, and would be reminded of the large gash in his heart, a space only Iwaizumi could fill. If what Iwaizumi said was a confession, then what was stopping them from being together?

Oikawa admitted that if he had to choose Iwaizumi or his family, he would choose Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi had become family, the only person Oikawa felt he needed. Damn his parents to hell, he would marry Iwaizumi in an instant. 

Oikawa left the park, and it was all he could think of on the way home, a mantra inside his head- i would marry him, i would marry him- and he considered messaging Iwaizumi to tell him this, but thought better of it. If he was to do this right, he had to do it in person, face to face, where he could be more honest, where Iwaizumi had to believe him.

For all of the courage, however, he knew he had to wait for a better moment to present itself. Oikawa Tooru had always been somewhat brave, but not with this. He would never be able to find it in himself to initiate anything, and he thought maybe perhaps he was a coward.

Or maybe he just cared too deeply about messing it up.

Either way, oikawa decided he could wait a little longer, it could wait a little longer. After all, hadn't he already let it rest for a lifetime? 

He told himself that it couldn't possibly matter that much to his friend, especially when Oikawa was- well, Oikawa. And besides all that, didn't he still harbor some sort of feelings for Amaia? They still spent a lot of time together, were still a trio of sorts, which is why Oikawa could tell that Iwaizumi was infatuated with her in some way. 

Who was Oikawa to stop that, really? Maybe they could be happy together. They'd get married, and have kids, and maybe they'd call Oikawa occasionally, if Iwaizumi still thought about him ever-  
Oikawa threw an arm over his face, outside his front door and praying no one was there to see him like this. He opened it tentatively, pleased when no one called out to him, and went to his room.  
With tears beginning to leak from his eyes, Oikawa decided that yes, he'd make his feelings known; and then he'd list all the reasons why they were stupid, why Iwaizumi should just leave him behind. He could be happy, truly happy. Why would he want Oikawa over that?

With a long exhale and a hollow feeling in his chest, he closed his eyes to sleep.

Except he didn't.

~  
The days continued on as they always had.

Or, thats what Oikawa told himself. Truthfully, while it did not appear that there was a distance between them, the two could feel it. It was in the small things;the hesitance of a high five, the lingering silence in between words.

The way Iwaizumi often refused to look at Oikawa. This hurt him the most, when Oikawa would look at his friend after telling a joke that Iwaizumi would usually laugh at, only to find him with a strained smile, looking at everything and anything but him. 

They were not okay. Oikawa knew this, but he wanted to pretend for just a little longer, believe that they could keep being friends, because if they weren't, than what were they? 

They'd be nothing. This often hit Oikawa at seemingly random times, during volleyball, at lunch, or even walking to school. 

Things stayed like this for two weeks. They danced around each other, Oikawa too scared to ask about it for fear of losing his best friend. 

The end of it came after one of the harder days. Recently they had been quiet near one another, but this was different. Oikawa would ask Iwaizumi a question, only to be met with a shrug, or a hum of affirmation. Iwaizumi wasn't just a little quiet now,Oikawa recognized.

He was ignoring him. 

Oikawa figured giving him space would help, and held back from calling out to him or even touching him in any way. Oikawa would begin to speak to Iwaizumi, before apologizing and speaking to Hanamaki and Matsukawa instead. This didn't seem to help any though, instead Iwaizumi seemed bothered even further. 

They walked home that day in silence, Oikawa glancing at his friend anxiously, before muttering a small goodbye as Iwaizumi left. 

Usually, in the mornings, they walked to school together. The next morning, Oikawa hurried in his movements, having woken up a little later and not wanting to keep his friend waiting. He flew out the door, but stopped when he saw that Iwaizumi was not waiting for him. 

Oikawa looked around, confused, and pulled out his phone to message him. His friend looked at the message, even began to reply, before the little dots disappeared, and Oikawa was left in disbelief. Was Iwaizumi avoiding him?

He began the walk to school on his own, anger and hurt filling him. Why would Iwaizumi just leave him? Where was he?

Oikawa fought off the feeling, and setting his face to stone, decided two could play that game.

Nothing seemed to be too different to outsiders, but those close to the pair were aware.

The silence had been harsh, but this was on a complete other level, Oikawa going out of his way to stay as far from Iwaizumi as he could.

A deep anger settled itself in his belly, and he could feel it boiling, spilling over into his every movement. It wasnt entirely because of his friend, he knew he couldnt blame it on him; it was anger at his own stubborness, his own unwillingness to simply try to talk it out. 

 

"This has to stop!" Hanamaki exclaimed later that afternoon.  
Oikawa and Iwaizumi had been keeping their gazes off each other, performing and playing out of simple muscle memory. Oikawa tossed to Iwaizumi, eyes accidentally trailing to his face, locking eyes with the green ones he knew too well. 

Iwaizumi jumped too late, and everyone was stunned when his palm hit empty air. 

He landed, and the sound of the ball dropping to the ground echoed, filling the gym with background noise for the thought they were all having; Oikawa and Iwaizumi, childhood friends, a unit, a pair, a team, were out of synch for the first time in their lives. 

After Hanamaki's shout of dissapproval, the rest of the team nodded solemnly, none of them meeting either of the pair's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Oikawa asked, voice dripping with honey that even he wouldn't believe. It sickened him, left his insides feeling cold. Hanamaki, expression usually laid back, glared at Oikawa, scoffing loudly.

"Its clear that there's trouble in paradise, and maybe I wouldn't say anything, but it's effecting the way you're playing,"he took a quick glance at the clock, before looking back to them,"practice ends soon. You better figure it out right now."

Not too long after, they were done cleaning the gym. Oikawa was unsure whether Iwaizumi would actually wait for him, but when he finished changing, he was there. They walked out together, Oikawa locking the door behind them, and for a little while, there was silence. 

It ended when Iwaizumi stopped walking, grabbing Oikawa's shoulder to make him stop too.

"They're right," he began, though he didn't meet Oikawa's eyes,"we have to talk."  
Oikawa shifted,putting his hands in his pockets. "What is there to talk about?"

He could feel his own heart pound, wondered if Iwaizumi could tell, if he was scared, too. 

"Don't play coy with me. You know I can see straight through you,"iwaizumi snarled,crossing his arms. Silence engulfed them for a second, and Oikawa was sure he would combust from the tension. "Why didn't you say anything?" Iwaizumi asked finally, and his voice was much too small, small in a way that made Oikawa's heart ache.

"What-"  
"When i confessed to you,"Iwaizumi cut him off,looking straight into his eyes,"you didn't say anything."

Oikawa blinked, eyes widening with realization. He looked away then, mouth forming a frown, once again unsure of what to say. How could he explain this to Iwaizumi? How could he say that he was everything he wanted? That he was warm summer evenings, and the stars in the sky, the beat of Oikawa's heart;how could he ever admit that?

"Stop. You're not doing this again,"Iwaizumi said, his voice and face tired, and for the first time, Oikawa realized there were dark circles underneath his eyes.

"Not doing what?" Oikawa questioned, though he felt he already knew the answer.

"You're not going to pretend that I didn't just say something important. Stop acting like I don't exist."

"That's strange. Last time i checked, you were the one avoiding me,"Oikawa shot back, surprised at the bite in his own words. Iwaizumi flinched, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Oikawa sighed out a moment later, guilt pouring into him.

"I couldn't look at you,"Iwaizumi said, opening his eyes.  
"Every time i did, i wanted to scream. You didn't mention it, didn't say a word, so I figured I was rejected, and fuck, it hurts!"Iwaizumi laughed, though it sounded choked.

"The stupid part, though, is that part of me was still hoping! Part of me-no, all of me wants you so bad, since junior high, and I don't know what to do with it anymore, but I know I can't keep hoping. So, right now, I want you to properly reject me. Tell me you don't have feelings for me so I can move on faster," Iwaizumi finished, tears dripping slowly down his cheeks,and Oikawa could feel his own heart crack.

He reached out for him, wiping his tears away,taking his hand, giving it a light squeeze so Iwaizumi would stop shaking.

"It's not that I don't return your feelings,"Oikawa mumbled, gauging Iwaizumi's reaction. His fingers twitched a little, eyes widening just a bit in a look that Oikawa found stupidly endearing.

"Don't lie to me like that. Don't make a game out of the way I feel,"Iwaizumi whispered, jaw clenched, eyes full of flames.

"I'm not, I swear,"Oikawa breathed, and Iwaizumi's eyes widened, filled with hope.

"You're everything to me. I didn't know how to put that into words, I would never be able to. You've been everything to me for so long, maybe even before I knew you were, and for so long i didn't think you'd ever feel the same,"Oikawa paused, licking his lips,"and when you said you did, I couldn't say anything. I was so happy to have you looking at me like that, to know you were looking at me the way I was only looking at you."

"But then I felt like you'd never be happy with me. Like I wasn't good enough in so many ways. I-I would be a waste of your time. I would be a disappointment to my family for loving you. I thought I could at least get that right, loving the right person, but everything with a girl felt wrong. Everything always lead back to you," Oikawa shifted again, looking off to the side.

"But I could never give you the important things, iwa chan. I could never give you children, a family. I don't want anyone to ever speak badly about you because you're with me. Really, i just want you to be happy. I see the way you look at Amaia, and really if you felt something for her, i wouldn't blame you. "

Oikawa finished, and he let go of Iwaizumi's hand, only to have it grabbed again.

"You are an idiot," Iwaizumi said, stepping closer.

"Iwa chan-"

"You don't get to decide what I want, what's good for me," Iwaizumi stopped directly in front of Oikawa, eyes full of fire.

"You don't get to decide how I feel about you. I love you, idiot, and only you. More than anything, you make me happy, and if you love me too, what are we waiting for?"

"Iwa chan, my parents-"

"I'll never let anyone hurt you," He said sternly, and Oikawa could feel his eyes water. 

"Iwa chan," he whispered, and Iwaizumi's face softened. He brought his free hand up to wipe away the building tears, before cupping Oikawa's jaw.

"Hajime, I love you," Oikawa said, and the words coming off his tongue felt like freedom. Iwaizumi smiled wide, the smile reaching his eyes, and chuckled. Oikawa let his own joy fill him, too, laughing quietly and crying tears of relief.

It was okay to want this, okay to be together, and Oikawa pressed his forehead to Iwaizumi's. His smile had become more gentle, but it still held enough love to drown Oikawa in. 

Iwaizumi leaned in, eyes fluttering shut, and Oikawa follwed suit, his heart pounding in his ribcage. The press of lips was light, sweet, everything Oikawa could have hoped for.

They seperated, and just held onto each other. Oikawa had thought himself to be the only one with a broken heart, but maybe they were both a little broken. Maybe they both broke each other.

Oikawa knew that a single kiss couldn't fix years of anxiety and fear on both of their ends, but it was a start. Oikawa drew Iwaizumi in closer, wrapping his arms around him,feeling his pulse beat in time with his. 

Iwaizumi cried then, cried out years of never quite feeling enough,and Oikawa comforted him as best as he could.  
"This is real, right?" Iwaizumi questioned, and Oikawa felt his heart clench.

"We're real,"Oikawa responded, rubbing circles into his back, and Iwaizumi pulled back from the hug just enough to look at Oikawa's face.

Tears still ran down his face, and Oikawa found he was oddly pretty when he cried, but he never wanted to see tears on Iwaizumi's face again.

As if reading his mind, Iwaizumi smiled a small,fond smile, and Oikawa leaned forward to kiss the tip of his nose.  
"Thank god," Iwaizumi finally answered, and Oikawa couldn't help but snort. 

"Iwa chan's a sap."

"And you're a baby in a man's body."  
"You like me anyways,"Oikawa retorted, and Iwaizumi sighed.

"Love. I love you anyways," he corrected, and Oikawa couldn't help it when he broke into a stupid grin.

"You love me anyways,"he sang, and Iwaizumi grunted, cheeks a pretty red,pushing at Oikawa's face.

"Honestly, shut up." He growled, though he gently pressed his forehead to Oikawa's, cupping his cheek. Oikawa nuzzled into his hold, laying a gentle kiss on his palm. Iwaizumi smiled softly, leaning forward to place a short, tender kiss on Oikawa's lips.

"My beautiful boy," Iwaizumi whispered against his mouth. Oikawa's lips curved into a graceful smile, blush settling high on his cheekbones. 

"So I'm yours now?"

"I mean, if you want to be. I just thought we should give it a shot-"

"I'm kidding,"Oikawa said, putting a hand over his best friend's mouth.

"Anyways, i've always been yours, you just didn't know it."

"Wow. I feel like i've betrayed Amaia."

"She said she was fine with it! I already apologized to her, stop making me feel bad!"Oikawa cried, putting his face in his hands. Iwaizumi gently pried his hands away, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

"I know, I know. As long as you've learned your lesson about honesty."

"I have, mom."

"I will hit you."

"That's way too harsh!"Oikawa argued, lower lip jutting out in a pout. Hajime rolled his eyes, pinching one of Oikawa's cheeks. He let out a noise of protest, swatting at the offending hand, but Iwaizumi's grip did not let up.

"Maybe next time don't stay in a relationship you don't want to be in. Why did you stay anyways?"

At the question, Tooru averted his eyes, nervously gnawing on his bottom lip.  
"I didn't want you two to get together if I broke up with her,"Oikawa mumbled, and Iwaizumi stared in shock.

"What the hell Tooru?What made you think I wanted to be with her?"Iwaizumi questioned, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Oikawa laughed awkwardly and shifted from foot to foot, sweat beginning to collect at his brow.

"W-well, I mean, you can't tell me you didn't feel anything for her! You always kind of just gazed at her with these big puppy dog eyes!"Oikawa stuttered, voice accusing. Iwaizumi's eyes narrowed at this, gazing at Oikawa as if he were the dumbest person alive.

"It was never like that at all,"Iwaizumi said, flicking Oikawa's forehead, who let out a small whimper and curled in on himself slightly. He rubbed at the spot, looking up at Iwaizumi through his eyelashes, waiting for an explanation.

"I don't know, I guess I was jealous?"Iwaizumi pondered, rubbing at the back of his neck shyly.  
"I mean, obviously I had already known that I was completely gone for you, but I thought I had accepted it. I always saw girls confess to you, so I figured it was just a matter of time for you to get a girlfriend. And, I guess I was right,"Iwaizumi stopped, a small chuckle escaping his lips,"but then I actually saw you guys together, and you seemed so happy with her. I thought to myself before graduation,'this is probably it. There's no way they could stay together.' Then she told us she was coming to the same school as us, and I guess that's when it really sunk in,"Iwaizumi sighed, but Oikawa could only blink at him.

"What sunk in?"Oikawa asked,draping his arms over Iwaizumi's shoulders. Iwaizumi averted his eyes, placing his hands on his best friend's hips, drawing him closer despite there being no space between them.

 

"That you might marry her someday. You'd get an apartment with her, maybe a dog, maybe a kid or two, and of course there'd be no space left for me in your life. I wanted you to live with everything you'd ever wanted. Shit, I would have given you the world if I could, I still would. But I didn't want to lose you, I still wanted you by my side, and I know it's incredibly selfish, but I couldn't imagine living without you, and whenever I was asked how I saw my future, I could only see your stupid smiling face. I wondered what it would be like to be in her place, to be loved by you,"Iwaizumi finished, eyes just a little glossy, mouth settling into a tight line at the memory of his own thoughts.

"Wait, so you never felt any love towards her?"

"I mean, I love her the same way I love your nephew, but really, I was only ever looking at you,"Iwaizumi stated,voice matter-of-fact, though Oikawa did not respond. Hajime finally turned his eyes back to him, surprised to find a huge smile on Oikawa's face, as well as stars in his eyes. Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow, but Oikawa simply tilted his head to kiss the corner of Iwaizumi's mouth.

Butterflies fluttered in his stomach as Iwaizumi grew flustered, and at that moment none of his insecurities mattered. They'd come back later, but Oikawa knew that no matter what it was, he and Iwaizumi would face it together.

There had been so much pain before this, but if the pain was what it took to get to this point, well...

Oikawa would go through it all over again.

~

He is 22 when he admits it.

"Tooru, calm down, it'll be fine,"Iwaizumi whispered into his lover's hair, and Oikawa could only clutch onto him for dear life.

"I know, it's just... What if they actually hate me? What if they'll never want to see me again? Your parents accepted us, but I'm not sure if my parents will-"

"If they don't, they don't deserve to have you near them,"Iwaizumi comforted, giving Oikawa's hand a tight squeeze. Oikawa took a deep breath, nodding, standing with Iwaizumi as the train came to a stop.

They walked the familiar path to Oikawa's old home, both of their heads filled with old and slightly faded memories. Iwaizumi looked to Oikawa as they grew nearer, sensing his unease. He leaned forward to press a kiss to Oikawa's temple, an action that he knew always managed to ease Oikawa's nerves a little. Oikawa's eyes met his then, and his smile was full of affection.

Before they knew it, they stood in front of the door of the Oikawa residence. The two stared at eachother for a moment, silent assurances being passed between them. Iwaizumi's thumb stroked Oikawa's knuckles, and they kissed, warm and soft, for luck. 

Oikawa tentatively rose his fist, knocking on the door twice, three times. They heard footsteps and voices coming from inside, and then the door was unlocking. Iwaizumi gave Oikawa's hand one last squeeze before he let go, the door swinging open. 

Oikawa's mother stood before them, practically throwing her slender arms around both of them, kissing them both on their cheeks, cooing about how much they'd grown and changed since the last she'd seen them.

She ushered them inside, pushing them towards the dining room, rushing to the kitchen and assuring dinner would be ready soon. 

Oikawa's father stood to greet them as they entered, wrapping his son in a bear hug, ruffling his hair and releasing him, before doing a much more mild version to Iwaizumi, which Oikawa complained about.

"Honestly sometimes I feel like you like Iwa chan more than me,"Oikawa huffed, crossing his arms and tapping his foot, but his father could only laugh.

"You look so much like your mother right now!"he guffawed, and Oikawa scoffed, expression one of hurt as Iwaizumi joined the laughter. 

"Stop laughing! You're supposed to be on my side, Iwa chan!"he whined, but Hajime simply smiled at him innocently as he continued to laugh. Oikawa would never admit it, but his heart always swelled when Hajime smiled like that.

Then again, Iwaizumi probably already knew.

Oikawa's mother came bustling in then, serving each of them as they all sat. 

Dinner itself was uneventful, filled with casual talk about their plans for the future. Oikawa's parents said they planned to redecorate the house a bit. 

"we're thinking maybe we should try a color scheme,"his mother explained, and her husband nodded in affirmation. 

"I think different shades of blue might look nice,"Iwaizumi commented, and the older woman seemed to consider this option, before excitedly agreeing with him. 

"Besides that, how are my favorite boys?" she asked, and Iwaizumi smiled politely. 

"We're doing really well, actually, "Oikawa responded, and the answer seemed to please his mother. 

"That's great to hear,"Oikawa's father said, then paused, as if thinking of his next words. He glanced at his wife, who gave a small shrug, and he sighed and shook his head, deciding he might as well just ask. 

"Do either of you have any romantic interests? Any women in your lives?"

The two shifted uncomfortably in their seats, staring down at the table. 

"As a matter of fact, yes,"Oikawa mumbled, and big grins broke out on his parents' faces. 

"Oh, really? Tell us about the lucky ladies! When do we get to meet them?"his mother inquired enthusiastically, and Oikawa looked to Iwaizumi. 

His eyes held fear, and Iwaizumi reached for his hand underneath the table. His eyes were soft, encouraging, saying with no words that he was there for him. 

"There are no women, "Oikawa blurted, and his mother's eyes widened. She laughed, though it sounded forced, and reached over to pat her son's head. 

"Tooru, honey, stop messing around. Tell us about her,"she insisted, and Oikawa could feel his stomach churn. 

"I-I'm not joking. There is no 'her',"Oikawa said, voice cracking, and his mother looked at him, looked at both of them, with eyes full of panic, as if the pieces were falling together. 

"what do you mean?"she asked, voice barely above a whisper. Tooru could say nothing, do nothing but stare down at his and Iwaizumi's intertwined fingers. 

"I'm in love with your son,"Iwaizumi said, voice clear and strong, and Oikawa was afraid to look up and see his parents' expressions.

"You mean-you're-"

"Get away from my son, "Oikawa's father growled, standing from his seat.  
"Don't need you infecting him with your disease."

Oikawa looked up at this, anger collecting in the pit of his stomach. His father's eyes held no compassion, only rage aimed towards Iwaizumi, the man Oikawa loved. 

"I'm in love, not sick!"Oikawa cut in, eyes narrowing. 

"Honey, this'll pass. You'll find the perfect girl for you someday, one you'll actually love,"his mother said, her voice like silk, eyes pleading. 

"You say that as if the love I feel now isn't real,"Oikawa snarled, fire being pumped through his veins. Iwaizumi ran his thumb over Oikawa's knuckles, and Oikawa could feel his body relax in response. It was just like him to keep Oikawa grounded like this, with gentle touches and soft words. 

"It can't be real,"his father scoffed,"it's not natural."

Oikawa inhaled deeply, looking down at his hands. His right hand rested in Iwaizumi's left, but his own left hand sat on his lap. The gold band lay innocently on his ring finger, and he couldn't help the smile that came to his face. 

"I tried. I really did, but deep down I always knew that I love Hajime more than anything, more than anyone, and I always will,"Oikawa said, looking to the man sitting next to him. Oikawa thought his eyes were gorgeous, different shades of green all blending together to create a calm grassy meadow. He inhaled deeply, the ring and Iwaizumi's presence giving him courage. 

"which is why we're going to get married,"Oikawa stated, smiling at Iwaizumi, voice lighter than he thought would be possible in this situation. 

"you're both disgusting. I won't have your-your illness in this house,"he yelled, lip curling in distaste, and Iwaizumi wrapped an arm around his fiance when he flinched. 

"Thank you for dinner,"Iwaizumi muttered, standing and bringing Oikawa with him. He gave a small bow to Oikawa's mother, who only glared at him while she sobbed. 

"I thought I raised you right,"she whimpered to her son, and he shook his head. 

"You did.There is nothing wrong with me,"he said, and Iwaizumi leaned over to kiss his temple. Her eyes softened at the gesture, and it gave Oikawa hope that maybe one day they'd become better. 

They exited the house as fast as they could after that, and the walk to the train station was filled with Iwaizumi kissing every part of Oikawa he could reach, each one like a delicate caress.

The train car was empty when they boarded, and Oikawa wasted no time in draping himself over his boyfriend. He rested his head against his chest, listened to the heart that beat underneath. 

Iwaizumi wrapped his arms tightly around Oikawa when he began to cry, holding him as close to his body as he could, burying his face in soft brown waves.

"I knew what they thought, but I just thought-they raised me-"Oikawa hiccuped, and Iwaizumi's chest ached. 

"They love you, Tooru."

"Not enough, "Oikawa whimpered, hands gripping Iwaizumi's sweater tightly. 

"I think they'll come around. They just need a little time, "Iwaizumi said, rubbing circles on Oikawa's back soothingly, "and if they don't, then that's their problem. You have other people who love and accept you, and if they can't, they don't deserve to have you in their lives. "

"But what if they're right?"Oikawa questioned, voice shaking.  
"What if I end up being wrong? Who would I apologize to? What if one day, I wake up, and I realize that I don't love you anymore? I can imagine the smug looks on their faces, and it makes me feel sick,"he said, words coming out strangled. 

"you love me right now, don't you?"

"To the moon and back,"Oikawa confirmed, stretching to nuzzle his face into Iwaizumi's neck. 

"Then if you stop, we'll deal with it then, and it wouldn't make you any less valid. Things change;feelings change, but it doesn't make you wrong or bad in any sort of way, "Iwaizumi said, kissing the top of Oikawa's head when he started to tremble. 

He whispered into his ear until Oikawa's breathing slowed, and maybe Oikawa would stop loving him one day, but even if he did, Iwaizumi's door was always open to him. 

He found that really, it didn't matter where he wound up as long as he still got to look at Oikawa. 

Sometimes home isn't a place, it's a heart. It's the way your name sounds when they say it, it's the easiness in words. 

And for Iwaizumi, Oikawa was the only thing he'd ever need.

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally done omgggg(tbh I'll Probs edit it a lot at some point but it's done for now so)  
> ok so i hope you liked that in some way, if you have any questions or concerns please leave a comment, im guaranteed to reply and comments give me such joy  
> kudos and comments are appreciated, so is criticism
> 
> Sorry if anything sounds weird or doesnt make sense, i edited it myself but idk if all of it makes sense to other people. I need a proof reader jfc  
> Some parts are more shit than others because some parts i forced myself to write and others i wrote at 5 am when i had random bursts of inspiration.
> 
> Ok bye


End file.
